Have you ever had a feeling that some previous experience was nothing more than a dream. That whatever you just did was nothing more than your imagination. It almost feels like you just awoke from a deep sleep.
Tomorrow I return to work at the police department in my same job that I was doing when I left. I am one of the fortunate people who actually love their job and I am even more fortunate to have an employer who would let me come back to my old job after being in Nepal for the last 7 months. I was issued my same car, my same badge and gun, and I even have many of my old clothes that I used to wear to work.
My family and I have moved into our old house with our two Labrador retrievers in the back yard. We returned to our church body at River Oaks and our old small group at the Evans house. I even found a box of old t-shirts in the attic that I used to love to wear.
From the outside looking in we look as though we have never left. I can imagine running into an old friend who might ask,
“So how has work been going?” or “What have you been up to?”
I honestly would not know how to respond or where to begin. I might even be tempted to answer,
“Work is fine and I have been doing the same old stuff.”
We look the same on the outside but everything is different on the inside. How do you explain where we have been or what has happened to us. We might look the same but we are not the same people. Our hearts are scarred from the hardships we saw and the pain that we saw in our friends lives. I don’t think we will ever look at the world the same. Often I feel like maybe this whole thing was just my imagination and that nothing has changed.
Today I felt guilty for allowing too much water to go down the drain when I was shaving and for not collecting the water in the shower so we did not waste any. I still unconsciously refuse to allow my mouth to touch the water coming out of a tap. I still feel guilty every time I use hot water or hear the air conditioner come on. I may look the same but inside things are still a mess.
Last night I was speaking to some friends who I had just seen since we returned to the US. They asked me the usual questions,
“So how does it feel to be back?” and
“Isn’t it great being home?”
My standard response is that it is great to be home, but this time I answered with too much honesty.
“It feels guilty to be home and even though I love it here I cannot stop thinking about the people I knew and left behind.”
Someone once said that a mission to a third world country is about love, but I don’t think that was the truth. The truth is that a mission to a country like Nepal is about grief and pain. Once you begin to have feelings for the people there you never will be the same. No amount of work that I or anyone else could do would ever release your heart from the snare that it has found itself.
I had a similar experience when we adopted Kody. The adoption may have started with a love for an orphan child and a desire to share that love but it ended in heartache and grief accompanied by the greatest joy we had ever experienced. Our hearts would break throughout the entire adoption process as we experienced let down after let down with problems trying to complete the adoption. The adoption of Kody was a wonderful experience but even as we left the orphanage with our first child we still had to say goodbye to 60 other children who were not so fortunate.
I imagine that we are getting closer to the heart of Jesus Christ when we experience grief like this. I know that He hurts for all the orphans and widows. His heart breaks when he sees a starving child. His heart is scarred by all the pain that He has witnessed. Maybe He just gives us a taste of what He must be experiencing?
I just got back from lunch and thought I would peek at the website to see if there was a new post. I believe you are right. Sometimes, if we are blessed, God gives us a glimpse of His heart, or His glory. I think you have seen both. You cannot encounter the suffering you did and leave unchanged. I told Shawna that leaving a ministry that quickly sometimes feels like an "amputee". You still feel the pain, even though nothing is there now. People have been ripped out of your lives and the wounds are too fresh and too raw. Only time and God's grace will ease the pain, although I doubt you will ever be free completely from it. But would you really want to be? I know that even being as little a part of your journey as we have been, I have been changed. You may never know the scope of what God has done and will do through your obedience.
May God grant peace to Nepal, and also to you!
DonnaP.